Questions and Answers (1) - (Detroit 92) long

Message Five:
Questions and Answers (1)

Question: A new sister's husband is very strong and would not allow her to make any meetings today. What should we do?

Answer: I feel there is no need to answer this question because it depends on what kind of person the husband is and what is his reason. For instance, sometimes when a wife starts going to meetings she begins to behave differently at home and that offends the husband. This may cause the husband to prohibit his wife from going to meetings. In this example, the husband has a legal case, a valid reason. Sometimes the husband's refusal comes from jealousy or because Satan is doing something.

However, in principle, the wife should still insist on making the meetings in the church life to whatever extent she is able. In a very sweet way, with a good attitude, she may tell her husband, "I love you, I love our family, but I am saved. I must go to some meetings. I need this." Her insisting on the church life should not give her husband the feeling that she is giving up her family or him for the church. When the wife is very sweet in her insisting, very few husbands can overcome. This is a quick answer because I do not know what kind of personality is involved.

Question: When a brother has the feeling to migrate or go full-time, to what extent should his wife be involved in (control) the decision-making process?

Answer: Well, the wife always controls. The wife is much more powerful than you realize. So, the wife is always involved, but the value of her involvement is based on her exercise of godliness. Sometimes the wife becomes emotional about the decision. Her feeling may be that they just bought a house, or got a better job, how can they leave now? A sister always reasons according to her emotion. This is why the Bible says that the husband is the head. Men and women were created differently.

Once a sister is not that emotionally involved in a decision, she will have much more freedom to stand one with her husband. Her husband may tell her that he has a feeling to migrate. She may encourage it based on her emotions because she doesn't like the church life where they are presently. Or she may stop it emotionally because she likes the house they live in or their finances have just stabilized. All these reasons are based on emotions. The sister should realize that migration is a very godly matter. And to be full-time is an even more godly matter. These things cannot be handled emotionally based on our preferences. Rather we must handle them in a godly way. Pray with your husband, and be in the Lord's presence with your husband. Then you will be much more clear, even it will be much easier to be clear.

Suppose, a husband tells his wife that he wants to go full-time, and his wife says no. In this case, the husband must learn to submit in the "sisters' way." The "sisters' way" is this: when the wife says no, the husband agrees. But the next day, the husband says again, "I prayed more, and I still have a feeling to go full-time." When the wife refuses again, the husband submits again, saying, "That’s right, no. I'll pray more." I call this the "sisters' way" because you sisters always do this. If you want a new vacuum cleaner you talk about it until your husband can't handle it anymore and buys you a new vacuum cleaner.

So this husband must learn to exercise the sisters’ way. When his wife says no to his desire to be full-time, he must take it as from the Lord. He must really pray. He should not just try to wear her out with his talk. Rather he should pray and if he still feels he should be full-time then he should talk to his wife again. "I don't know what to do, I'm sorry, but after you said no I prayed more and I still feel the Lord telling me that I should be full-time." If his wife says no again, he should go back and pray more. Eventually the Lord will have His way.

For the husband to insist that he is the head and the wife should listen to him is not wise. It will hurt their relationship. Nor should he just drop his feeling to go full-time after his wife's initially negative response, if he feels clear before the Lord. This same principle applies to migration. My advice to the wives is this, don't be emotional. Many times your yes and your no can both become very emotional. A man may see a house and decide he wants to retire there. But don't believe him. When a good opportunity comes he will sell the house. But when a woman likes a house she can grow affectionate towards it. Then migration is difficult because she doesn't want to leave her house.

Sisters, if your husband has the desire to migrate or to be full-time, realize that he is the head. However, you have the right to make sure the head is the head. For instance, your husband may also be emotional, just like you. His decision may be spontaneous and not from the Lord. You can help your husband by recommending that he pray more about his decision. In this way you will have a very good operation by standing one with your husband for the way to go on.

Question: A sister is married to a brother that is in a denomination. He just started going back there. He doesn't see the church or the economy of God. Should the sister be required to go with him to the denomination or should she continue in the church life? The sister has been in the church life a long time.

Answer: I will take this question as an opportunity to address a larger issue first. I have seen a few sisters, when they are single, in the church life, marry someone whom they got saved. And I have seen some of these brothers later become extremely useful and I am very encouraged by this. But this is not easy work because many times as the sister is trying to get the man saved, the man pulls her into the world. It is not easy to get a man saved and into the church life, but it is possible. I would say publicly that I am for some single sisters who love the Lord very much to make an effort, if she sees a man that is so proper and healthy with a decent humanity, to get him saved and marry him. This is very good.

With regard to the question, we should not consider that there is such a thing called a denomination. Are there denominations? Yes, there are many. Are there denominations? No, they are all brothers and sisters. It all depends on how you look at it. Suppose, a dear sister marries a brother, and after their marriage the brother goes back to his denomination. What should she do? Firstly, she has seen something, so she should not go with him. You may say that he is her head so she should go with him. But if her husband is unsaved and wanted her to be a sinner with him she could not do that. The husband is the head of the wife only when he takes Christ as his head. When he does not take Christ as his head, the wife still has to follow the headship of Christ. So, the sister should not go to the denomination.

Secondly, the sister should not consider that her husband goes to a denomination, rather, that he goes to meetings. When she and her husband return home from their respective meetings, she can ask him how his meeting was and they can fellowship. Once you consider that brother as a brother in a denomination you are not going to gain him. But if you consider him simply as a brother, then you can open to him and he can be open to you. Don't criticize that brother for being in a denomination. This will produce a barrier between you. The saints should encourage the sister to remain in the church life and also, they should visit her husband with no profit in view. In your visits you may fellowship about his meetings and in the process you can help him to touch his spirit. After he has really touched his spirit a few times, for some reason he will lose his taste for his denomination. Even if he never comes into the church life, that sister should still follow the Lord.

Question: How do you live with a husband who is not spiritual at all?

Answer: Just live with him. Firstly, how spiritual is spiritual? Secondly, very few husbands are spiritual. Basically, when a husband is at home, he is not spiritual. If your husband is that spiritual at home that means he is not relaxed, rather he has to do something to get your approval. Just consider how serious that is. To be not spiritual, to be worldly, and to be sinful are three different things.

According to my wife, I may not be spiritual, but maybe I am very spiritual. Outwardly I may be doing many things, but inwardly I may be praying and very much in my spirit before the Lord. So, if a husband is not spiritual, please try not to judge or evaluate. But you should ask yourself this, is my husband worldly? If he is worldly, learn to stop it. For instance, your husband may buy a new car. After he has bought this car, he may begin to consider the next car he is going to buy and talk about it. A good wife should say something to stop this kind of thinking, otherwise your life will become worldly. Then the wife will begin to consider how to renovate their home or make a beautiful garden and the family will no longer have time for the church life.

Then suppose your husband is not only worldly, but has even become sinful. Here you have to learn to help your husband by being with him. Correcting him will not work. But always present something higher and better as a testimony. You must learn to exercise to stop all unnecessary things. If your husband is just not that spiritual, realize that we are not spiritual all the time. Treasure the five minutes that he is spiritual.

Consider this illustration. Suppose I attend four meetings a week, and in two of the meetings I give two testimonies which are my top experiences of the whole week. Wouldn't I impress everyone? But I would not impress my wife because my wife is with me 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I may give a very good testimony about catching a bus, and calling on the name of the Lord. But my wife would remember that that morning I was upset because breakfast was not ready and I had to rush to catch the bus. What my wife saw and what the saints in the meeting heard are totally different. In this case am I spiritual or not?

So if your husband is not that spiritual, try to nurture what is spiritual in him. When you hear him call on the Lord, take that opportunity to encourage him. Try not to condemn or judge.

Question: How should a sister deal with her husband who seems over-spiritual sometimes? I feel like I get in his way of going on.

Answer: Suppose a sister's husband is very spiritual from morning until evening, calling on the name of the Lord, reading the Bible all the time, even admonishing her when she loses her temper to be in her spirit. There is not much that sister can do. She married such a husband. She just has to suffer with it. Personally, I would rather see a husband that is very normal. You must realize that the real spirituality is in normality. Consider how normal Jesus was. People called Him a friend of tax collectors and sinners. Normal does not mean that you are not spiritual. Whether your husband is normal, not spiritual, or over-spiritual, praise the Lord that He has given you the husband you really need. In all these cases, you can help your husband by exercising to be a proper wife.

Question: My husband is full-time, and is out usually six nights a week.

Answer: It is always good to spend one or two nights a week with your family alone, this includes elders and full-timers. It is not healthy for a full-timer to spend seven nights a week out, especially if you have children. Fathers must spend time with their children. We have that responsibility. The Lord has committed our children to us.

I have often observed that when a full-timer is at home, his wife does not function that much. But when the full-timer goes away, the wife gets resurrected, and operates so positively. This shows that the full-timer spends too much time doing his work, but he doesn't draw the right strength. Actually, the best is for a full-timer to work together with his wife. That is the most prevailing. Even I would encourage full-timers to travel with their wives if possible. The wife is the strength of the husband, although the husband may not want to say this because he is proud. But the husband needs his wife. If it is not possible for the husband and wife to travel together, at least when you are at home try to operate with your wife and family as a unit. It is always much more fruitful. When a full-timer visits people by himself it may seem that he is doing his routine check. But when people come to his home, his family can create a very warm atmosphere.

Sister, I stand with you. Praise the Lord that He has blessed you. It is a blessing to be a wife of a full-timer. I know that life is harder, financially and practically. But it is also a blessing. My advice to you is to bring this fellowship back to your husband so that you can learn how to operate together.

Question: Is separation acceptable between a brother and a sister if there is abuse involved, or for other reasons?

Answer: The real marriage does not happen when the husband and wife say their vows. The real marriage is the oneness. In the sight of God, He has pre-arranged for each couple to become one. God has put the husband and wife together; therefore, you cannot separate them. If there is a need of separation, the only reason should be the habitual unfaithfulness of one party. Basically, a marriage is not supposed to be broken. The Bible does not talk about abuse. If a husband abuses his wife, she needs to find a way to protect herself and to fellowship. This is according to the Bible, not according to American society. According to the Bible, the only reason that a couple can separate is unfaithfulness.

For this specific question, I do not have an answer. Surely it is a shame to see a brother abuse his wife. However, the wife can go to the Lord and to the elders. She can fellowship with an older sister. And they can pray. Together we can do the proper thing to restore the situation.

Question: Is it wrong for a sister to ask the Lord to be given to a particular brother in marriage, when she asks that the marriage be for His purpose?

Answer: To this question, I would have to say strongly, Yes, it is wrong. I say this because marriage is pre-arranged by God. You must believe this. Since it is pre-arranged, don’t be so worried about it. Sisters can become obsessed with a brother in an unhealthy way. If you have feelings for a certain brother, go and fellowship with the elders or an older sister. The elder can ask that brother if he has any feelings for you. If he doesn’t, then just drop it. If it is not from the Lord, then don’t pursue it. If you can’t drop this matter, then you will just have to wait. Maybe the brother’s feelings may change over time.

However, you cannot take this matter too spiritually or you will hurt yourself. If you don’t let go of your feelings when a brother is not interested, then you may lose a proper opportunity when another brother comes along. You must learn to tell the Lord, "Lord, I know that You have prepared someone on this earth to be my husband. He just hasn’t arrived yet. Praise You, Lord, he is coming." It may only take one day for your husband to be manifested. Until that day comes it can be very hard to wait, so it is good to fellowship. Try not to be so complicated. Learn to tell the Lord, "Lord, I love You. I give my life to You."

Question: Suppose our children get worse because of us.

Answer: This possibly means that the more you try to help your children, the worse they get. I think it is very common for the parents to think that their children are getting worse. Sometimes the parents expect too much and they forget that the Lord is also involved with their children. You love your children but the Lord is still their Lord. You can do your best to raise them up, but eventually, it is the Lord who raises them up.

In today’s society, it seems that almost any chance occurrence or involvement with another person can cause your child’s life to become worse. So you must learn to pray, "Lord Jesus, by Your mercy, I will take care of my children whom You have committed to me. But Lord, I still realize that they are Yours. So I won’t overdo my regulating of them." Many times our children get frustrated because we are too strict with them. When our expectations are unreasonable then our children react. You are the outward ones caring for your children, but they are still the Lord’s. Don’t try to keep them only in your hand.

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